Honest Talk

Have you ever feel hurt but do not have any idea how to express it properly? Then you also have no idea of why you cannot express it?
Is it something that you’re afraid to admit because you don’t want them to think that you are weak? Or is there something deeper about the actual reason for your wound?

Try to ask those question to yourself and try to listen to the answer, only if yourself could answer it. Or want to.

I asked myself, on the way back home. Driving along the highway chasing the sunset. With the radio on and low speed. Ah, it’s been a long time no driving like this. Only me, the road, and the radio. Talking to myself, questioning things, and getting to know who I really am.

Lately, I’ve been too busy, rushing all the time and forget to greet the little girl inside me. Forget to enjoy the void I’ve always been avoiding. Or bury. And today, that feeling came up. A storm of feeling I can’t even describe. And for once again, I asked myself, hoping I would get an answer this time.

And the answer, I’ve known it since the very first time.

It’s not my feeling that has been hurt, it’s my ego.

This is what I’ve been avoiding to admit all this time. You know, It’s hard to admit that you have a demon ego even though you are totally aware that humans and egos are inseparable.

It’s not about you don’t want them to think that you’re weak or see your weakness and pain. Sometimes it’s more about you don’t want yourself to see your true color. That you actually have an inner ego, pride, and jealousy. That you’re not ready of knowing that you are not as good as you thought you were. That you’re only human, with its desires, weaknesses, cracks, and imperfections. That you have the demon in you. Those bad and evil thoughts you’ve always run from.

And now you have to deal with the person standing right in front of you in the mirror. For acknowledging and accepting the good and the bad in you. To embrace it and finally be able to say to yourself and to everyone or everything. It’s okay.