How to Grieve Skillfully
Often, everyone tells us to be happy. Some even tell us HOW to be happy, like how to be present, to look at everything we have through a different lens, to cherish every simple moment we had with our loved ones, and finally to let go in order to be happy. Every book I read, every talk I hear are mostly about being happy. However, very little that we know about how to grieve.
Grief seems like something that everyone doesn’t want to discuss. I think, maybe because the word ‘grief’ is closely related to pain, suffering, and uncomfortable feeling that we — humans — tend to avoid. But we all know that grief is a certainty in our life. Eventually, we will lose our loved ones (either because of death or something else), we may lose our job, friendship, relationship, moments, etc. The concept of impermanence in life makes losing and grieving an inseparable part of our life. However, how do we act towards grief?
Most of the time, when we are facing the death of our loved one, our closest always try not to bring up the topic into the conversation to keep us from the pain. The same happens when we are facing job loss, relationship breakup, or other losses. And the worst part, we also never allow ourselves to face the pain of losing. It’s like somehow our body doesn’t allow our soul to grieve. However, humans have to grieve, we have to grieve, skillfully, in order to be able to release the pain. But how do we know how to grieve if no one ever told us how to? I want to share something with you.
The concept of impermanence can be seen from two different points of view :
- Impermanence makes us have to deal with pain and suffering caused by loss
So, the next time you look at someone/something you love (parents, partner, best friend, pet, job, position, etc) remember that one day you will lose them. By being aware that you can lose them anytime, you can love them by giving the best love you can but without too much attachment. You will learn how to look at them as they are, and look at yourself as you are. That your happiness doesn’t cling too hard to their physical presence. By this, you will be able to let them go when it’s time for them to go
2. Impermanence also makes us aware that we won’t deal with the pain forever
So, once you face the pain of the death of someone you love or relationship break up or any other suffering, put in mind that life gives us this greatest gift called impermanence. That we will someday see another day of sun. The season will change, so do your life.
Moreover, there’s another concept we can use when it comes to grief and loss. Continuity and interbeing.
Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh, once said that our selves are manifestations of our ancestors. One cannot be by ourselves alone. We do not exist independently. We exist because our parents exist. Our parents exist because our grandparents exist. And so on.
Once you see a child, you can see her parents easily in her. Her face, her talent, the way she talks, reflect her parents so much that she is a continuation of her parents. So when we are facing a loss of a family member (mother/father/siblings/grandparents/etc) remember that you have them in yourself. You have their eyes, their skin, their talent. They still live inside you and will be forever live inside you. What has been gone is just their familiar form of being. And knowing the fact that they live in us, therefore we have to continue living our best life to the fullest so we can give the best life for them.
The same applied when we lose a relationship or job or something we love. When you look back to your past experiences you may find that those experiences were shaping you into someone that you are today. They are a part of your continuous life story, and you won’t be the same if you did not experience those moments. If you are facing a loss today, remember that this is the way life shaping you into something you are determined to be. And each one of the experiences has grown a flower in yourself. Now, it is time for you to continue to nourish it.
