The Time When I Let Go of My Dream
The 20s can be one of the most confusing times for most people.
We graduated from college, considered as an adult, but then what?
Some of you might find a job that you’ve been dreaming of, or find the one and settle down in a marriage, or going to another part of the world and try new things you’ve never dare to do before, or start a new business. While some of you also might still trying to figure out what the hell do you want to do in your life, or struggling with a new role in your job, or face the worst breakup in your life that might shatter your heart into pieces, or failed at your first shot at the business.
At the beginning of this year was a time when I started afresh new start looking for a perfect job that fulfilling for me (in terms of financial and personal). Given the fact that I have just through a hardship couple of months ago, I walk in full of doubt and confusion about what do I really want and need in life? Here are some lessons that I learned along the way.
Born and raised by a working mom made me have a goal to pursue a good career in my life. Since then, I’ve always pictured myself in a suit working in a big corp tirelessly. Eventually, that kind of imagination become the definition of success for me. Moreover, social stigma on ‘success’ also strengthens my perception of what I called ‘success’.
So, in order to achieve that ‘success’, I tried to find a job where I possibly can put on a nice suit and blazer to work (corporate of course). However, a part of me knows that I’m not the kind of person who works 9 to 5 in the same building, on the same floor, and at the same desk, every day. I need a job where I’m allowed to jump into the field, meeting new people, travel, go to new places, and experience new things and challenges that most people might not have the opportunity to experience those things. I really love working in the environment field, conservation, or something like that, you know? And of course, it would be funny to put on a blazer in that kind of work. It clearly became the biggest wall in my job hunting process.
Do I really want to work in a corporate? People might not question it twice when I answer their question about what do I do for a living. It sounds very common to most people. Is it really you?
Do I really want to take a path in the other way? It’s not a usual path. You might not be a person you’ve always dreamed of. Is this what you really want?
When I was faced with two options, I was very confused. But one question that really made me thinking is ‘why exactly you really want to be that woman in a suit and blazer?’
Then I realized the hard-to-swallow answer. It was all about my pride.
Yes, my fucking pride.
I’m stuck with the perception and stigma of success. I really wanted to be a successful woman, so I was afraid of people thinking that I’m not successful just because my success is not common as a usual success. I thought success is to be able to tell others about what do I do or where do I work without getting a question like ‘what is that?’ or ‘where is that?’ and get a response like ‘oh wow’ or ‘cool!’ instead.
Once I realized that it was all just about my pride, I tried to let go of my pride and perception and really focus on what I really love to do. It was not about finding a job or pursue a career, It’s about saying yes to a calling. A calling that will fulfill you professionally and personally.
So I decided to take the unusual path, the questionable path, and let go of my dream to be a woman in a blazer walking in a skyscraper building holding her cup of morning coffee. I decided to accept all of those questions about ‘what is that are you doing in there?’ ‘why do you do that?’ and etc. because fuck them, fuck all of those judgements, and fuck all of those perceptions.
So for you who might about to jump into the unusual and do the things that people might think weird or crazy or not sexy, fuck it, follow your heart, and just do it!
Because actually, they don’t really care about what you really do.
